Feeling new.....sort of

So I've reached a new point in my life. I don't think it's the best spot I've been in, but it's mine; I own it. There's such a huge mix of things going on in my life. I have a slipped disc which is pinching a nerve. There's that. Then there's the financial crisis, which leads way to marital crisis. And then there's the Paxil; the paxil I'm weening myself off of, that is, so really there's the lack of Paxil. And it just leaves me, raw underneath.
My husband doesn't like me. I mean, yes, he loves me, but right now, at this point in time, on this day, he does not like me. And I didn't like him earlier so I can't really judge, but he is a really, really good man. Phenomenal, really. And I don't think that's spelled right. But he has more patience than I've ever seen in a person. Well, he has that patience with our kids, not necessarily across the board, but I watch him with our kids and I'm mezmirized. Sheesh, wasn't I a spelling bee kid at one point? What the heck was that word???
So I'm surviving. Well, I'm breathing, anyway. Surviving sounds more positive than I feel. I can't remember feeling this stressed, though I know there was a point at the beginning of my pregnancy with Charlie when I was. My mom came to visit and I was so much better. But now I'm alone in this, and I don't like being alone.
I used to LOVE being alone; I thrived on it. I used the loneliness as my tool, somehow. It was my bread and butter; it was a possession to me. But then I met my husband, and being alone wasn't all it was cracked up to be. So when I run into these weird times in my life they seem harder, because he doesn't know how to be here for me, and I need him.
I hurt.
I really hurt.
I'm learning to live with the pain, because I've come to feel like it's never going away. But I'm not doing so well with living with it, really, because I have no patience, and I have no tolerance. The characteristics I love about myself are missing. It makes life harder.
And life isn't easy, but then I don't believe it's supposed to be easy. I feel like it's our job as humans to be challenged; our faith has to be challenged. I don't know how to describe what I'm saying, I just mean that if our faith isn't challenged, how do we cherish it as much? We build our faith by coming through tough times, by overcoming challenges. And every time, our faith is stronger.
My faith isn't challenged right now, I know God is with me, and I know he'll answer my prayers. But I, of course, never know what the answers will be.
I've rediscovered wine. It seems to work better than muscle relaxers. Nice. That's how I'd like to be remembered, right?
So I am here, and I have no answers.
And I get that; I get that I'm not supposed to have the answers, and that I have to wait and be patient and pray.
But today, just today, I didn't want to pick my kids up from daycare. It's not that I didn't want to see them, I didn't want to let them down. I didn't feel equipped to take good enough care of them. Yes, I could care for them; I could keep them safe, feed them, and play with them, but I wasn't there, really, and I was afraid they'd know.
I have a lot to say, but my kids are sitting on each side of me talking at the same time, and Im concentrating very hard on being patient. I'll have to continue this later.

our changing baby

Good weekend, all!

I just wanted to update everyone on Charlie's great progress. He no longer gets the label "Momma's boy" around here, he has at last discovered the amazing entity that is Daddy!

He's known Daddy was around for most of his life, and he's even really liked and very much loved Daddy for most of his life, but never before has he chosen Daddy over Mommy. Of course, I realize that's just where he is in life, it's the way life is layed out in front of him. Mommy is here 24 hours a day every day. Mommy nurses him. The world is Mommy.

But no more! While he still clings to me as much as he can, he now is Daddy's little boy! If Daddy's in the room, he reaches for him. If Daddy leaves the room he either cries for him or follows hot on his heels! And sometimes...sometimes when he cries...it makes me just tear up to say the words, but sometimes when he cries, it's only Daddy that can soothe him.

For all of my friends who are mothers, are there more beautiful words in the world than what I just wrote??? I don't think so!

Ahhhhhhhhhh............life is good.

Oh for heaven's sake....

I just read that last post and literally laughed out loud. Gees, who is that whiny girl?? Why is it that when one thing isn't right in our lives, we forget how many things are going so well? Focusing on the more challenging parts does not make way for newer or better thoughts to come in.

So here's all the good stuff:
I started my masters program on Tuesday! I'm now officially working toward my masters of special education. I'm so proud of myself I could just spit!

I have a new blog! It's for the online newspaper, the Pilot online. If you google my name, first and last, it will take you right to it! It's exciting, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw!

I think I found a job ~ let me say not just A job, but THE job! I've been willing to take anything with a paycheck for a while now, and not getting any bites. I need a reminder every now and then that everything happens for a reason. I got the call yesterday for a school I desperately want to work for, and alternative behavior school working for a woman I desperately want to be my mentor. She's amazing, and in one conversation I was reminded of all of the things I've been forgetting about working with children, esp ones with special needs. I will interview officially in a week or two, but I know she'll hire me. This is the one.

Ok, all the good news I can think of! Stay tuned for much more positive posts, and no more whining from Brandy!!

The days go on

Well, the Brennan bunch isn't doing so well these days, but the days still press on. We endure, and we try to learn from our mistakes and our misconceptions. We move from day to day, trying to remember what holds us together.

Sometimes relationships are the hardest things in the world. Some days they make parenting look easy.

Our kids are happy. They are off to school this week, and all three seem very pleased with it. They come home with good reports from their teachers, and they look forward to getting on the bus the next day.

Our baby Charlie is cutting teeth, still. He's a bit of a mess, with the drool and the fussiness, but truth be told, he's a wonderful baby. He's easy.

We should feel so successful when we see what we've created at home, with our kids.

But sometimes I really wonder whether or not we should have done this to them without the legally binding contract to each other.

Ah, well, such is life. We learn from each and every day. We will continue to learn, and we will continue to find ways to make it work.